Financial abuse is rarely discussed in marriage. But what’s financial abuse? Examples of financial abuse? Can financial abuse be healed? How do you begin?
As someone who was there, I have (unfortunately) much experience in this area. Financial abuse left me exhausted, insecure, and pessimistic about my finances. For years, I had trouble trusting others with my money, and that may never change. But I recovered financially.
At Alimonialife, you can read about real-life divorces. I’m sharing my tale of financial abuse and answering your important concerns about how to overcome this genuine type of control and abuse.
This divorce, breakup, and mess they left you in can be healed. Let’s start today and boost your future confidence.
What’s financial abuse?
I was with my ex for almost a decade. Despite financial hardships, I thought he was a good provider for most of that period. For one less thing to worry about, I trusted him with the funds. Years later, I realized this was a major mistake.
After much self-doubt and rejecting my intuition, I finally realized something was wrong. It took even longer to realize he was using the money to make me dependent and hide horrific secrets. I couldn’t view a financial statement during our time together.
After entering that relationship with steady finances and some possessions and leaving with almost nothing, I understood I was chasing a carrot that wasn’t there. His deception and cunning had stripped me of practically everything I possessed because my boyfriend feared I would leave if I was financially independent. My finances were utilized for my assets, and my career was put on hold for so long it no longer existed.
One week before I left my partner, we home hunted. He drove me to house after house while we imagined aloud. The final step was to add a little extra to his bank account to show we had several months of bills. This pleases lenders and will help us buy a house. Silly me fell for it… I sold my car and gave him the cash.
After leaving him a week later (a story for another day), I found the bank account was in the red and there was no money for a house. Not the down payment I was informed we had. No car sale cash to boost the account. Nothing. He led me around those houses like a dreaming fool.
In another relationship, I was reminded of my financial inability to care for myself practically everyday in case I ever had the idiotic idea to escape his physical and mental abuse. Finally, I left that relationship with only my clothes, children, and a terrible case of emotional PTSD from the experience.
This example shows that financial abuse can be subtle or overt. You must be aware of it or you could end yourself broke and destitute (which is better than abuse, I’ve discovered).
Marital Abuse Types
Financial marriage abuse is one of many types:
Domestic violence, physical abuse
Sexual
Psychological/emotional/gaslighting
Financial
Withholding intimacy, neglect
Deception and exploitation
Emotional and physical abandonment
Spiritual abuse
Abuse of technology
Controlling food, bathing, and sleeping opportunities
Abuse of ego
The “walking on eggshells” abuse that robs you of safety and peace.
In almost all domestic partner violence cases, financial abuse occurs alongside other abusive causes. There are several types of financial abuse.
What are three financial abuse types?
Managing marriage finances
Misappropriating funds or accumulating debts in your name
Disrupting your financial independence
Examples and intensity vary, but they all aim to empower them and take away your power. If they weaken you financially, they can enjoy your luxuries and prevent you from leaving.
Financial abuse must be identified and addressed to safeguard your finances, career, and future.
Financial Abuse Examples
We won’t mention all financial abuse examples because Womenslaw.org has a fantastic list. Some of these deeply moved me upon reading them.
Make you pay them?
Inform you of work restrictions? Stalk you at work? Create drama that gets you fired or quit demand?
Ask for your money or steal it?
Apply for credit or loans in your name?
Prevent you from seeing family finances?
Read an encouraging post-divorce story: Level Up Post-Divorce: Building a Better Life
Financial Abuse in Marriage
Marriages can be devastated by financial abuse. This person should be trusted. When you doubt their honesty or intentions, you may feel offended and confused.
Financial gaslighting?
So, financial gaslighting.
Narcissists often gaslight. They may make you question a financial decision or accuse you of irresponsibility. They may accuse you of avarice when they’re spending carelessly.” Charlie Health
You may feel insecure and confused if your partner gaslights your financial spending to mask their tracks. Your instincts are telling you something is wrong; don’t ignore them.
How can financial abuse affect someone?
I stated short-term effects:
Confusion
Hopelessness
Pain and conflict emotions
Trapped feelings
Insecurity
What about your future? The divorce or signing of the papers has emotional and financial repercussions. These things need your careful attention to heal.
Financial loss
Loss of assets
Debt
Your future is uncertain
Career stagnation or instability from abuse
Your ex’s departure makes it hard to find a home, employment, and transportation.
Emotional insecurity, distrust, rage, resentment, and despair or anxiety
I know you can fix your finances and heart. Because I had to do this for myself as a single mother. After years of hardship, I feel more stable and secure than ever. I now protect my finances and avoid partner abuse. Live and learn, as the saying goes.
Research, assistance, counseling, and a major financial paradigm shift were needed. I have debt spreadsheets. I firmly choose my purchases. To ensure my future, I value and defend my career. Although it took time and is still a work in progress, I have learnt to use helpful resources.
Healing from financial abuse
If you feel that your partner is controlling your finances, set boundaries and provide safety nets. Rebuilding your financial freedom takes time after leaving the situation. It’s scary but empowering. At least for me.
I look forward to a financially secure future I control. While healing from the split, I had to buy a car, phone, clothes, shoes, re-establish a career, and restore my credit. You can do it if I can.
M. Christina Ward
Alimonialife is run by divorcees who have ‘been there.’ We offer our findings and experiences but defer to medical and legal professionals for diagnosis and treatment.
